Emotions running a muck

The last two weeks have been extremely hard for me. If you are close to me, they have been hard for you as well. For that, I am sorry. You are true friends and you know who you are.

I have always considered myself a fairly happy person. Confident, self assured and comfortable in my own skin. Any time my glass has been less than half full, I have been able to look to my inner strength, faith and family to help refill it. To date, they have never let me down. Even during the worst times, when I have had little hope, I could cry or worry myself to sleep. I always awoke to a new idea or choice. I always knew that somehow/someway I was ultimately in control of my destiny. I made the choices.

Temporarily, I feel as though that is not the case. As if I am not in control of my own emotions/actions.

Three weeks ago, I was stripped of a crutch and forced to balance on one leg that I have not used in over 3 years and knew it would be quite frightening. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t even know if there would be anything TO expect. A noticeable change? A screaming banshee? I took notes nonetheless.

The changes were slow during the weaning off period, but the second week I found myself cold and isolated. Hard and crass. Saying things that I thought helped my friends but were hurtful. I remember thinking, “he needs to hear this, no one else will tell him”. I thought through everything that came out of my mouth. THAT is the scariest part. Looking back, where was the edit, because at the time, I thought I was using that button? I snapped at every whim but it was clear in my head that they deserved it. Who did I think I was? That wasn’t me? WAS IT? OMG!

Last week was a different set of emotions. I felt needy and wanted to feel needed. I wanted to be wanted. Not verbally. This emotion consumed me. I had an overwhelming need for someone to hold me, cradle and cuddle me. I needed to feel safe and secure. I needed intimacy and love without any sexual undertones but I could not convey this emotion. I expected everyone to just know. For that day my mind was so mad that everyone was so selfish in not offering their hearts and opening up to me when they could so clearly see a difference. After all, I would have. I spent that day crying and hurt, wondering why no one read my mind and knew I needed them.

This week has just started but I have high hopes that I am nearing the end of this roller coaster. Still not sure if I am even the one talking here. Still not sure who the real me is. Who has this person been for 3 years, and do I remember me prior? Who am I really? Do I like me? Have I betrayed all who love me?

Now that I am no longer sedated, all of those suppressed emotions are running loose and sticking to anything they can find. I guess they have a bit to catch up on. It feels sorta like a gremlin that got wet.

To my friends that knew along the way, thanks for listening and being there. I love you!