The last two weeks have been extremely hard for me. If you are close to me, they have been hard for you as well. For that, I am sorry. You are true friends and you know who you are.
I have always considered myself a fairly happy person. Confident, self assured and comfortable in my own skin. Any time my glass has been less than half full, I have been able to look to my inner strength, faith and family to help refill it. To date, they have never let me down. Even during the worst times, when I have had little hope, I could cry or worry myself to sleep. I always awoke to a new idea or choice. I always knew that somehow/someway I was ultimately in control of my destiny. I made the choices.
Temporarily, I feel as though that is not the case. As if I am not in control of my own emotions/actions.
Three weeks ago, I was stripped of a crutch and forced to balance on one leg that I have not used in over 3 years and knew it would be quite frightening. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t even know if there would be anything TO expect. A noticeable change? A screaming banshee? I took notes nonetheless.
The changes were slow during the weaning off period, but the second week I found myself cold and isolated. Hard and crass. Saying things that I thought helped my friends but were hurtful. I remember thinking, “he needs to hear this, no one else will tell him”. I thought through everything that came out of my mouth. THAT is the scariest part. Looking back, where was the edit, because at the time, I thought I was using that button? I snapped at every whim but it was clear in my head that they deserved it. Who did I think I was? That wasn’t me? WAS IT? OMG!
Last week was a different set of emotions. I felt needy and wanted to feel needed. I wanted to be wanted. Not verbally. This emotion consumed me. I had an overwhelming need for someone to hold me, cradle and cuddle me. I needed to feel safe and secure. I needed intimacy and love without any sexual undertones but I could not convey this emotion. I expected everyone to just know. For that day my mind was so mad that everyone was so selfish in not offering their hearts and opening up to me when they could so clearly see a difference. After all, I would have. I spent that day crying and hurt, wondering why no one read my mind and knew I needed them.
This week has just started but I have high hopes that I am nearing the end of this roller coaster. Still not sure if I am even the one talking here. Still not sure who the real me is. Who has this person been for 3 years, and do I remember me prior? Who am I really? Do I like me? Have I betrayed all who love me?
Now that I am no longer sedated, all of those suppressed emotions are running loose and sticking to anything they can find. I guess they have a bit to catch up on. It feels sorta like a gremlin that got wet.
To my friends that knew along the way, thanks for listening and being there. I love you!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Two Things
TWO THINGS
Two names you go by:
1. Mavis the Uber Typist
2. Nic the Nosiest
Two things you are wearing right now:
1. False eyelashes
2. Dirty thoughts
Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Snuggling under a blanket by a fire
2. Chatting with friends
Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. To own a home. Again.
2. To be independently wealthy
Name of two pets:
1. Taz
2. Jilly Mac - aroni
Name 2 people who will fill this out:
1. none
2. Less than none
Two things you did last night:
1. Watched Transformers 2X
2. Leveled with the universe about how unjust it is
Two things you ate today:
1. Rudy’s potato/egg taco
2. My words
Two people you last talked to:
1. Lucy
2. Mi Madre’
Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. Wake up
2. Wonder how I can make it feel different from today
Two longest car rides:
1. Phoenix to Odessa
2. Here to my destiny
Favorite holidays:
1. Thanksgiving
2. Independence Day
Two favorite beverages:
1. Coffee with a side of coffee
2. Sweet tea, with sugar on top
Two names you go by:
1. Mavis the Uber Typist
2. Nic the Nosiest
Two things you are wearing right now:
1. False eyelashes
2. Dirty thoughts
Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Snuggling under a blanket by a fire
2. Chatting with friends
Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. To own a home. Again.
2. To be independently wealthy
Name of two pets:
1. Taz
2. Jilly Mac - aroni
Name 2 people who will fill this out:
1. none
2. Less than none
Two things you did last night:
1. Watched Transformers 2X
2. Leveled with the universe about how unjust it is
Two things you ate today:
1. Rudy’s potato/egg taco
2. My words
Two people you last talked to:
1. Lucy
2. Mi Madre’
Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. Wake up
2. Wonder how I can make it feel different from today
Two longest car rides:
1. Phoenix to Odessa
2. Here to my destiny
Favorite holidays:
1. Thanksgiving
2. Independence Day
Two favorite beverages:
1. Coffee with a side of coffee
2. Sweet tea, with sugar on top
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Got Camping?
What is the best thing to do with these factors included?
This weekend
Sunny, Clear, 80-85*
10-15 Friends and Family
Incredible, down to earth, country folk (parents need not apply)
2 of the chic's are celebrating their Birthdays
Liquor consumed in large quantities
Loud
Outskirts of Austin
Answer: Y Camping, of course!
Friday noon will begin the Sis-Sis event of the year. We will getaway to a private section of a lake; far away from anywhere that might offend anyone within eye or ear shot. Hoping to catch a glimpse of the earth’s bounty, the sky’s beauty, the water's serenity, and the heart’s beat; we must move fast at a slow pace.
This hopes to go down in history as the loudest, most outrageous, fun filled, shindig of the year. Boasting a tent assembly contest, BBQ contest, shot contest, swimsuit contest, fish catching contest *see a trend*, spin the bottle, Poker, Let it Ride, s’mores, rock climbing (by that I mean finding a place to pee), skinny dipping, and the norm.
Sunday dust the girls will do all the work while the men fake doing something or other. We will wrap things up with a simple prayer hoping that we do not kill anyone who tries to ruin the aura we have created. Regardless of the hot, tired and hung over part.
Now where did I pack my sunscreen, OFF, toilet seat covers, GermX and wet naps, mosquito net, waders, fly swatter, Swiss army knife, first aid kit, snake bite, flashlight, and GPS.
*items not in order* CRAP, am I missing anything?
This weekend
Sunny, Clear, 80-85*
10-15 Friends and Family
Incredible, down to earth, country folk (parents need not apply)
2 of the chic's are celebrating their Birthdays
Liquor consumed in large quantities
Loud
Outskirts of Austin
Answer: Y Camping, of course!
Friday noon will begin the Sis-Sis event of the year. We will getaway to a private section of a lake; far away from anywhere that might offend anyone within eye or ear shot. Hoping to catch a glimpse of the earth’s bounty, the sky’s beauty, the water's serenity, and the heart’s beat; we must move fast at a slow pace.
This hopes to go down in history as the loudest, most outrageous, fun filled, shindig of the year. Boasting a tent assembly contest, BBQ contest, shot contest, swimsuit contest, fish catching contest *see a trend*, spin the bottle, Poker, Let it Ride, s’mores, rock climbing (by that I mean finding a place to pee), skinny dipping, and the norm.
Sunday dust the girls will do all the work while the men fake doing something or other. We will wrap things up with a simple prayer hoping that we do not kill anyone who tries to ruin the aura we have created. Regardless of the hot, tired and hung over part.
Now where did I pack my sunscreen, OFF, toilet seat covers, GermX and wet naps, mosquito net, waders, fly swatter, Swiss army knife, first aid kit, snake bite, flashlight, and GPS.
*items not in order* CRAP, am I missing anything?
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
The extravaganza is over
The last two weekends have been a blast. Jam packed with excitement. Starting with a trip to Salado and shopping. Next was a pedicure before Martini’s and dinner, to happy hour and a massage. Then the Bead Expo, a tour on the East Side and Hype Park B&G. It ended with a Family lunch at Carinos on Sunday. Last weekend was full of drinks, friends, painting, food, and fun as well. Now this weekend we have our son and next weekend is 3 days of hardcore camping!!!!
I don’t think we can ever have enough birthdays. They remind us how loved we really are. Birthday or not, spending time with my loved ones means more to me than anything. I think everyday we should celebrate something!
Thanks to all of you know spent time with me, called, texted or took me on a date =) It meant so much to me. I treasure every one of you. I love you each very much it your own unique way.
Sis, You are my strength, hope, and support system. I look up to you in so many ways and can’t explain the love and unspoken sense of security that we share. You are my rock.
Lucy, The friendship we share is rare and one that I could have never imagined 14 years ago. Thanks for being there for me through thick and thin, hot and cold, sweet and sour, black and blue, and loving me through it all. I would die without you.
Gretchen, We are kindred spirits. You are my friend and sister. I think I have known you forever in my heart and keep you safe in my arms. I think of you always and wish you were here. I will never let you go.
Cole, Thanks for your energy, love and passion. You remind me everyday how much passion is out there how to grasp it. And that I only live once. We can answer each others sentences and somehow experience the same things. We understand one another. We get each other.
Jess, Thanks for being open, honest and real with me, and being my friend till the end.
We know so many secrets and are so close. You have so much insight and experience, I love listening and learning from you. And you love to listen and tell me the truth.
Alli, Thanks for being so kind, grounded, and knowing. You are a true friend. You are such a positive influence in my life and never let anything get in your way.
Boss, Thanks for everything. In the short amount of time I have known you, I can hardly recall I time I didn’t. What did I ever do?
I believe these are the few people I have shared my blog with. I love you all.
I don’t think we can ever have enough birthdays. They remind us how loved we really are. Birthday or not, spending time with my loved ones means more to me than anything. I think everyday we should celebrate something!
Thanks to all of you know spent time with me, called, texted or took me on a date =) It meant so much to me. I treasure every one of you. I love you each very much it your own unique way.
Sis, You are my strength, hope, and support system. I look up to you in so many ways and can’t explain the love and unspoken sense of security that we share. You are my rock.
Lucy, The friendship we share is rare and one that I could have never imagined 14 years ago. Thanks for being there for me through thick and thin, hot and cold, sweet and sour, black and blue, and loving me through it all. I would die without you.
Gretchen, We are kindred spirits. You are my friend and sister. I think I have known you forever in my heart and keep you safe in my arms. I think of you always and wish you were here. I will never let you go.
Cole, Thanks for your energy, love and passion. You remind me everyday how much passion is out there how to grasp it. And that I only live once. We can answer each others sentences and somehow experience the same things. We understand one another. We get each other.
Jess, Thanks for being open, honest and real with me, and being my friend till the end.
We know so many secrets and are so close. You have so much insight and experience, I love listening and learning from you. And you love to listen and tell me the truth.
Alli, Thanks for being so kind, grounded, and knowing. You are a true friend. You are such a positive influence in my life and never let anything get in your way.
Boss, Thanks for everything. In the short amount of time I have known you, I can hardly recall I time I didn’t. What did I ever do?
I believe these are the few people I have shared my blog with. I love you all.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
A year gone by
When I reflect on the past year and what 33 meant to me, I am taken aback.
It is hard to believe so much went on in such a short amount of time. On a postcard, it included a girlfriend moving away, losing my house, losing my husband, filing bankruptcy, losing my baby, moving my mom away from me, and the loss of a loved one.
This was a very emotional and trying year to say the least. Full of blind sided curves, dead ends and off ramps. The unexpected. The unwelcome. The unwanted. Hate and Hurt.
It also brought me closer to my girlfriend than I ever dreamed, opened a window for me and my husband, got our finances in check, moved my mom to a place better suited for her, and brought my sister and I to a level neither of us ever imagined.
I cannot find words for the growth and inner strength I have experienced this last year. That is a cliché, but what I will say here will not come close to what is in my heart. With every horrifying moment, came a humbling form of growth, peace, strength, and beauty. And with every outcome came another lesson learned.
I have never tried to fit in another’s shoes. A few times last year I would have liked to borrow someone’s for a bit, but never did. I am glad I have graduated to my own new pair. They fit well.
It is hard to believe so much went on in such a short amount of time. On a postcard, it included a girlfriend moving away, losing my house, losing my husband, filing bankruptcy, losing my baby, moving my mom away from me, and the loss of a loved one.
This was a very emotional and trying year to say the least. Full of blind sided curves, dead ends and off ramps. The unexpected. The unwelcome. The unwanted. Hate and Hurt.
It also brought me closer to my girlfriend than I ever dreamed, opened a window for me and my husband, got our finances in check, moved my mom to a place better suited for her, and brought my sister and I to a level neither of us ever imagined.
I cannot find words for the growth and inner strength I have experienced this last year. That is a cliché, but what I will say here will not come close to what is in my heart. With every horrifying moment, came a humbling form of growth, peace, strength, and beauty. And with every outcome came another lesson learned.
I have never tried to fit in another’s shoes. A few times last year I would have liked to borrow someone’s for a bit, but never did. I am glad I have graduated to my own new pair. They fit well.
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