Tribulations of motherhood

This mom stuff is hardwork.

There is never a single moment that my mind can shutdown and take a break.

Never a moment that my ears can close and my brain can rest.

Not a time to catch up, reflect, rejuvenate.

No time for me.

Since the birth of my son, I have spent every moment on overload. The pressure I envoke on myself is unbelievable. I recognize it, yet I can not control it.

Constantly worrying: if, where, when, how, why, what....

Always trying to cover every basis: breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack, diapers, laundry, naps, is he hot, cold, runny nose, safety....

Forever trying to figure out: why is he crying, what happened, how can I get him to sleep through the night, is this fever ER worthy, is that poop normal, when did he poop last, is there mold in the vents he is breathing, will a mosquito bite kill him, can he get lime disease, is he allergic to pets...

Never knowing: if I am doing a good enough job, if he will be a well centered child, if I am protecting him enough or overprotecting him, if I am feeding him the right stuff, if I am spoiling him to much....

This is not to say that I would trade this for anything in the world.

Just to say that I am having a harder time adjusting to this new life than I ever anticipated.

And, that this is much more work than I ever imagine.

That said, look at the joy I receive for my efforts..............

To my mom, on Mother's Day

NO ONE EVER TOLD ME

That baby poop isn’t that bad.

And that NO baby poop IS bad.

That saying “I’ll get to it later”, usually means, “I won’t end up getting to it”.

And that never getting to it isn’t really that important.

That you can buy the best teething toy on the market, and inevitably, he will go for the dish towel.

And that my finger is actually the best.

That being a mom would be this hard.

And that it would be this unbelievably awesome.

That I would pray for 2 hours of sleep.

But that I would treasure the time I wasn’t sleeping more.

That I would want to hold him just because.

And that I would never want to put him down.

That feeding him would make me feel like I had healed the sick.

And that rocking him to sleep would feel like I was holding an angel.

That I would bargain with GOD so much.

And that GOD would answer twofold.

That it is really, really hard work.

But that I would love it so much.

That no one has all the answers.

And that it is ok.

That it was possible to fall so madly and deeply in love.

And that that feeling could possibly get stronger with each day.

That his grin would light up my life.

And that his tears would break my heart.

That I would never sleep soundly again.

And that I wouldn’t mind it at all.

That it is normal to feel like I am doing a terrible job.

But that I am probably not.

That I would wish for a stop light to turn red.

And that time would be my most precious commodity.

That he would come first from now on.

And that I would not have it any other way.

That everyone’s advice while I was pregnant would be annoying.

But once he was here, I would be asking for it.

That what I always thought was love, was not even close.

And that I am lucky to know now.

That I would become closer to my own mom than I could ever comprehend.

And that I would wish I had done it sooner.

My slice of heaven

I am 3 months into this mother thing and can honestly say I love it. Not that I have a choice, but it is nice to enjoy it finally. The first 3 weeks I wasn’t so sure. I'm not really sure what life used to be like before all this. I do recall having had a lot of free time, down time, me time, long hot shower time, sleep time, shopping time, money to go and do as I please, time, etc.; that is nonexistent now. Now I have Donovan time. But with that comes so much more in return. Now I have this little person, looking up at me, that depends on me 100%. At first I was very overwhelmed with the responsibility. The 24/7 care was a lot to take in. But now 3 months into it, and I haven't lost, dropped and killed him; I'm ok with this mom stuff. The guess work still seems overwhelming...what he needs, why is he crying, am I overfeeding, underfeeding, can I use baby powder yet, why is he barfing so much, am I holding him too much, do I let him cry, how do you care for an umbilical cord, does a vaporizer cause pneumonia, can I really pull his arm out of the socket when picking him up, will he catch a cold if he doesn’t wear socks, will he get an ear infection from the wind, what temperature should his bath water be, and on and on………. The unknowing never seems to end.

Now that we are over the 'newborn' hump, it seems to be very gratifying and enjoyable. I even enjoy my one on one time with the 11pm, 2am and 5am feedings. When he looks at me I realize he trusts me. That is a feeling I can not describe with words. I am still very much in shock of the whole thing. Aside from the fact that I am a mom and have this child to raise, I can not wrap my head around the miracle of pregnancy, child birth, and how it starts from nothing and ends up a 10lb human coming out. Simply amazing! I will never go through it again, EVER, for love or money, but enough time has passed now, that I appreciate it.

Just as I am getting into a routine, he is changing. His feeding time is beginning to spread out a little. He is going to start rice cereal in 3 weeks and that will change how he eats, sleeps and poops. He will be rolling over in the next 3 weeks so I can no longer leave him on the changing table and walk away. Soon he wont fit in the infant bath tub and I will have to move him to the real bathtub. He is almost at the weight maximum for his infant car seat. When he switches to the big boy car seat, I will no longer be able to carry him in the car seat and sit it on the grocery cart. I will have to carry him, and he will be sitting up in the cart himself. WOW...So many things.

I have to say that I am overjoyed with all of the ‘first’s’. As adults we don’t have very many ‘first’s’ anymore. I’ve already had first car, first home, first job, first letdown, first everything. Now the first times I am having are more exciting. The first time he recognized me and realized I am his mom, first bath, first grin, first sickness, first shots, first rectal temperature, first coo, first laugh, first blue jeans, first shoes………..

I expect life to just keep getting better. Can't wait for the next first. He really is a little slice of Heaven.

*Thank you to everyone that has stood by me during this time. It was hard for me to find my place. Accept that this is my place. And actually enjoy this place I am in. I love you all!!

Back

I haven't written on here in a long while. Since this is mainly to vent to my ownself, as only 3 people even know my blog exists. I have had other things more pressing. You could say I have had my hands pretty full. Now, more literally than figuratively.

Before the birth of my son, most days were spent worrying about all of the what if's, when's, how's, etc. Not to mention the endless hours of absolutely hating being pregnant. Huge joke God plays on women I might add. Couldn't he just equip us with a backpack and grow the embryo in there? That can't be as bad as INSIDE of us. Sure some women might head to the mall and accidently forget their backpack in the car but really, how many of those people are there in the grand scheme of things:/ Now I am not worrying about 'how will I ever do this', as much as I am thinking 'hold shit, I have a kid'.

I plan to write a book entitled 'The horrible things no one tells you will happen when you are pregnant'. Women are cruel. They like to see others suffer as they have, therefore they withhold otherwise pertinent information. (angered look) I will not go into detail here, but there are a lot of things I experienced that were not shared with me by friends and are not in books, but should be. Interesting how when I would complain about, oh say how my pelvic bone felt like it was being ripped apart, friends would say "oh I remeber that"... Really, thanks a shitload.

True, aside from the worst 9 months of my life, and the horrible C-Section, and the horrible infection, and the 2 emergency room stays post delivery, and the sudden onset high blood pressure(never high prior), and the extra 20lbs, motherhood is divine.